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Listening at the Speed of Life

– by C. J. Wade –

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#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #6

Prayer: “I don’t understand this one. You’re going to have to help me with this. I don’t get it. Why did they have to die? Why couldn’t you just take someone else? This just doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it.”

I admit that I have thought about the following: Why did she have to die in a car accident? Why did he have to die with Alzheimer’s? Why did she die before seeing me graduate? 

I know it’s not acceptable Christian vernacular, but I’m guilty of asking God why he didn’t take someone else’s life in place of the ones I love. I thought of the rapists, the murderers, the pedophiles… the ones deemed by society as below hell’s respect of persons, then I thought of how sweet my persons were. How undeserving their deaths were in my eyes. I couldn’t wrap my rationale around the reality of my persons no longer being a phone call away and to be brutally honest, I was pissed. Why would a good God take away pieces of my heart? Some deaths were easier to handle while others pushed me off my axis. What was I supposed to do with that… all of that anger and confusion?

I questioned my faith. I questioned the validity of the Bible. I didn’t want to hear that they were “in a better place.” I wanted them here. With me. No exceptions. No soothing back rubs. No funeral flowers. Just here… where I could touch them. Talk to them. Love on them again. At those times, the only prayer I could release were the words above and I had to trust that God wanted to hear my pain just as much as my praise.

During those seasons, I clung to this Bible verse with every fiber of my weakness. It was the only thing that made sense because it described how I felt.

Psalm 34:18
Courtesy of YouVersion – The Bible App

The most difficult thing to do was to crawl my way back to Love after feeling scorned by it. I had to come to terms with the truth that I didn’t know the prayers of my persons. It could have been one of relief or swiftness. I don’t know. I just knew I was hurting and my prayer lines were on life support. Eventually, I made my way from a crawl to a kneel like a fighter recovering from a blow. Kneeling transitioned to standing. Breathing slowly. Then came walking forward. No one could rush me or assign a path to my process. Only God could resuscitate me back to life and I had to grow to the point to let Him do it.

I love you all and pray that you feel confident to pray a real prayer of grief whenever you’re ready. He can handle it. Trust me. I’m a living, breathing, walking witness of that. You are still more than a conqueror. You are still strong. It’s just time for you to be honest about the rest.

Peace & Thanks for listening!

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#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #5

Prayer: “Your handiwork is breathtaking. You made me so well.”

Hey, Sweethearts. Welcome to Day 5 of #bloglikecrazy. Thanks for reading!

So, I have a confession to make. I have never struggled with body positivity in regards to my shape. Yes, I realized I was skinny as a kid — especially when my grandmother’s friends told me that my hips were sticks — but, I recall letting their comments bounce off my little breastplate and going outside to ride my ten-speed. I have never fought the battle of hating my form. Now, my skin tone? We had to work on that.

In elementary school, I was called nigger, inkblot, darkie, blackie, midnight, holy draws, goodie-two-shoes, etc. The verbal attacks were always related to my color, my faith, or my virginity. By the time I reached high school, you couldn’t tell me that my skin wasn’t comprised of chocolatey goodness. I had developed confidence without forming an ego. Before #melaninpoppin became a thing, God opened my eyes to how beautiful I was in His eyes. I remember the moment distinctively. Puberty was in full swing and I noticed stretch marks and… wait for it… hips! Instead of being horrified, I traced the new wavy lines on my body. They seemingly appeared overnight and my nerdy self was fascinated. I squeezed the new fluffy additions on my hips and smiled in the mirror. They were soft and looked sweet, especially since I was an aspiring doctor and admired all things anatomy. I was ready to wear them with pride.

Oftentimes, I look in the mirror and speak those words of prayer. I let the Creator know that He did an exceptional job. My mind, body, and spirit do amazing things on this Earth and I am grateful for what I see. I love the thickness of my thighs and moles on my face. Now, Myrtle (my encroaching gut) has gotten rude and out of hand due to various factors, so she’s got to go starting after Thanksgiving, but I don’t hate her. She just needs to be checked so some of my favorite clothing items can fit the way I want them to (I know… purely carnal). I don’t model my body according to societal standards. I just want to be the best creation I can be to show my Creator that I appreciate His Masterpiece.

I pray that you appreciate the same about yourself, Sweetheart. Pray that prayer as you look into the mirror once a week if needed. Do what you got to do. Love that body and do right by it.

Peace, Thanks for listening, and pray those real prayers, Sweethearts!

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#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #4

Prayer: “What am I doing here? I don’t see the point.”

Have you ever been in a cubicle (or at a desk, on a job site, in a building, whatever’s clever…) and wondered why you were wasting your life in such an excruciating manner? I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve had jobs that I’ve hated too. I’ve had seasons where I’ve looked around in confusion and couldn’t grasp the ridiculous reality of my life. Passion-less days were prevalent and despair was an unwanted partner. Sometimes it even felt like an out-of-body experience. On more than one occasion, I prayed that prayer above. People around me seemed to be flourishing and I definitely felt like a fish out of water. I just didn’t see the point of being where I was. I wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else.

Now, that I’m on the other side of some of those days, the point is clear. A person was encouraged by my integrity. Someone needed a shoulder to cry on. It was time for me to grow. Those are clear points in hindsight, yet there are still a few foggy experiences out there and I may never get my why. I had to accept God’s Peace about those accounts.  Maybe you need to make peace with that unknown variable too. Know that wherever you are, you may not even be there for your own benefit. You may the sidekick in someone else’s story. Be well with that possibility and just be your best self in any situation. It all works out in the end and you are never in a pointless scenario. Here’s a verse that has helped me in those moments –

1572930104688_1280x1280.jpg

Tonight, I pray that your points become well-defined as the days go by… that whatever you’re in right now becomes a past point to which you can smile and say “I’m glad that’s over.” I’m praying for you, Sweetheart, and rooting for you all the way. Keep praying and rooting for yourself too.

Peace & Thanks for listening!

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#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #3

Prayer: “God, you’re so cool.”

So, on several occasions, I say those words. Awe hits me at random moments and I have to admit how cool He is. The oddest truths arrest my thoughts and I go with it like a free bird – wings wide open. Some of them include the following:

  • An open road with beautifully lush green grass and intoxicating blue skies
  • A mountain chain
  • Rivers flowing around Mount Ranier
  • Muscle/organ functions (Check out this post as an example.)
  • Fog hovering over my head

I look around me and see so much that sends me into a tailspin of amazement. I’ve learned to allow myself to swim in His glory. If it means that I stop on the side of the road to drink it all in, then that’s what it means. I go with it. How else can I expect to refuel my soul if I keep driving past it, talking through it, and working in it? I need to pause for a minute and say wow. That’s what keeps me sane. That’s what keeps us close. That’s what keeps the lines of my prayer communication fresh and exciting. I’m able to connect with the majesty of God on organic levels in real-time. There’s nothing like it.

Below are a few moments I captured this year.

I pray that you have those moments too. If you need some help, just check in with your child, niece, nephew, or friend’s child and s/he will take your crusty glasses off and replace them with wonder-filled lenses.

Peace & Thanks for listening, Sweetheart! Keep those real prayers going!

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#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #2

Prayer: “Lord, I just want to be free… and not just free for a moment. I want to be free for a lifetime.”

I was sick of a cycle that I didn’t sign up for. In one hand, I held receipts to my anger, fears, and insecurities. In the other one, I held receipts that were shoved into my hands. I didn’t ask to be mistreated or molested, but there I was — holding shredded remnants of pain and wondering when the rollercoaster would stop.

I never wanted to repeat the rides of my anger, fears, insecurities but the horror happened anyway. Altar calls didn’t seem to do it and Christian music couldn’t end the free-bound-free dysfunction I experienced. I thought something was wrong with me. I was tired of being enslaved over and over again by the same chains. Chains I thought had been eradicated but seemed to resurrect themselves without my permission. I couldn’t understand how it could happen so quickly. It wasn’t for lack of desire and fight. It wasn’t for lack of prayer and effort. Finally, in desperation, the words exhaled from my soul during a nighttime walk. Freedom kept ringing in my ears and I looked up at the starry sky for a hint of hope.

Did I instantly feel free? No.
Did I feel finally heard? Absolutely.

There was something about that night I will never forget. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired met the opportunity to speak from the depths of my darkness. I had finally reached that point where I was ready to release it all instead of a few shreds. The problem? Those chains were uncomfortable but familiar. I had the desire to be free, but I was struggling within my own strength. Exhaustion and frustration were the end result. I realized that it would always be a losing battle as long as I fought without the desire to surrender to God first.

So, I did. Then, the healing journey again.

I pray that you’re able to do the same, Sweetheart. Here’s one of my favorite verses to start the conversation. I leaned on this one and it still gives me great peace when I need it. I love you all and pray those real prayers. Peace & Thanks for listening!

He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.
He will not reject their pleas. – Psalm 102:17

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#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #1

Happy November, Sweetheart!

For this year’s #bloglikecrazy challenge, I am peeling back the curtain and revealing moments of my prayer life — the good, the bad, and the ugly. By sharing this part of my humanity, I hope it encourages you to be vulnerable to God as well. You are not any less of a Christian if you don’t act like a smiling stonewall every day. God knows how human you are and I’ve learned to just let Him see it all. Ready to dive in? Let’s go!

The Prayer: “I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this, but *sigh* OK. Fine.”

Have you ever just didn’t want to do what you knew you had to do? Yeah, me too. It may sound childish, but hey… it’s the truth. Some Christians paint their faith with a wide brush and one of those strokes includes the misperception that you will always want to do what God says. I can’t lie to you like that.

The contention between humanity and spirituality dates back well before this century. That boxing ring can emerge at any given moment and frankly, I want my humanity to win sometimes. I want to stand firm. Dig in my heels and say no. After I pout for a few seconds, I usually breathe deeply and raise the champion gloves of spirituality. Why? Because I’ve learned that God’s way always wins. It always works best when I follow His direction. When I sit down and loosen up those heels, I realize that I’ve come too far not to trust Him. I have also found that He honors my obedience even when I’m not excited about it right away. You are still His child, Sweetheart, and He understands you. It’s OK. Remember He loves you no matter what. Dig your heels in that!

Tonight, pray for real. Pray what’s in your heart. That’s your challenge this month as I share my challenge with you. Peace & Love you all. See you tomorrow!

 

 

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Wednesday Wind Down: Four-peat

*sips hot tea and stretches*

Good Evening, Sweethearts!

We’re on the cusp of November, so you know what that means… #bloglikecrazy is here! She’s officially staring me down and I see her in all of her literary glory. Her challenging physique awaits me to step into the ring. This is my four-time sparring partner and she always transforms me a better version of myself at the end of our 30-day bout.

If you’re new to my community, #bloglikecrazy is an annual writing challenge hosted by Javacia Harris Bowser, founder of See Jane Write Birmingham and my official empowerment pusher. Each year, writers from everywhere join the opportunity to post on their blogs for 30 consecutive days or participate in NaNoWriMo by writing a novel in by the end of November.

So, why am I squaring up to #bloglikecrazy? Because I decided to share a deeper level of transparency this time around. Last year, I shared 30 Days of Good. This year, I’m allowing a peek into my most intimate relationship — my prayer life with God. I’m warning you now, Sweetheart. As with all other posts on this blog, it’s real communication. No sugar-coating. Raw snippets from written and verbal prayers I’ve expressed in both happy and horrid times. My hope is that by unveiling these lines, someone will be compelled to be authentic with God as well. To give Him every part of you and be confident that He can handle anything and everything.

Are you ready? I am. *stretches one more time*

See you Friday, November 1. 🙂

Peace & Thanks for listening!

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Wednesday Wind Down: notre petite fleur

Hi, Sweethearts.

This one was a difficult piece to begin writing. My heart is still aching over the dismal news of 3-year-old Kamille “Cupcake” McKinney and 5-year-old Nevaeh Adams. While in different states, both were found dead and discarded like trash this week (Kamille’s body was in a dumpster and Nevaeh’s body was in a landfill).

Both cities are in mourning and our communities are hungry for clarity and directional blame, yet this isn’t a soliloquy of how disgusted I am over this tragedy.  In the meantime, I’m at home sifting through a few questions that are also on the table — what do we do now? How do we still pray when such indignant evil deeds run rampant? What do we do with the anger and despair? How do we prevent this from happening again? 

The truth is not pretty, but I don’t know any other way to say it — There are evil people in this world and there’s nothing you can do to eradicate them. It’s sad and repulsive; however, as long as there is free will, evil will be present. People decapitate others for religious beliefs. Humans mutilate fellow humans because of their sexual preferences. Abusers beat their spouses to the brink of death. Corruption begets embezzlement. The current dose of diabolic behavior makes my soul hurt for those innocent babies. Our babies. It was enough to make me reconsider birthing life. I had to ask God what to do with this sickening feeling since Tuesday’s press conference. Here are two steps where my faith walk has taken me so far.

  1. I can’t blame God for everything. It’s difficult, and trust me… I’ve been tempted to do the same, but I have to still believe in the Good. The fact that hundreds of planes fly over my head without crashing every day provides a drip of faith into my spiritual IV. Witnessing a stranger help another at the grocery store yields another drip. Benevolence. Love. Camaraderie. Drip. Drip. Drip. The crimes are horrible, but I can’t place blame where it doesn’t belong.
  2. I must continue to be a support system and advocate for children around me. In a world of pedophilia/ephebophilia, sex trafficking, and abuse, it can be difficult to trust anyone with your child.  Regardless of these realities, there are people like me that have integrity. The hope is that we minimize these tragedies by planting and watering seeds needed to grow healthy adults. We’re in the business of empowering others. With this in mind, parents must be vigilant but not paranoid. Everyone doesn’t want to harm your child. We’re your educators, volunteers, counselors, coaches… we’re your village. So, let’s act like it. Let’s work together instead of against each other.

When I began this post a couple of hours ago, I didn’t know how long it would take to release my words from captivity, but I did pray for a shortstop. Drip.

Peace & Thanks for listening. I appreciate you and let’s keep going.

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Wednesday Wind Down: Starstruck

Hi, Sweethearts!

One of my favorite things to do is stargazing. As a child, I had an astronomy book to help me locate the constellations and understand the galaxies. It was fascinating. I would look outside my window when my mother fell asleep and let my imagination run completely wild. Somewhere in the world, there was another child looking at the same star as me. I was taking a nap on the crescent moon unafraid of heights. I could walk on the clouds.

As an adult, there’s nothing like looking up at the end of the day and realizing how small my problems are. I see the night sky as a midnight blue blanket sprinkled with twinkling promises of God loves for me. I smile every time at the thought of that Truth. Regardless of what is going on in my world, looking up inspires me to keep going.

Though they are far away, they are clear reminders that cause me to stare in awe. They are silently loud. I pray that God’s Light in me is able to be seen for thousands of miles. Onlookers will see me but admire the Father. Admire His Spirit. Honor His Glory.

When you go about your week, I want you to remember that you’re covered. You’re safe in His arms. You are Loved. You are protected. Your problems can only overtake you when you forget those stars. Breathe, look up, and smile every chance you get.

Peace & Thanks for listening!

astronomy dark dawn dusk
Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com
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