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#bloglikecrazy: Open Letter #5

Hello There, Thinker.

There are so many avenues in you. I do so much without your permission. From creative to correlative, I stretch you more than Elastigirl’s arms.

One of my fears is that you will forget everything. I’ve seen it happen to my loved ones and it was detrimental to the spirit of their existence. They forgot who I was. Their temperament changed at the drop of a dime. Sometimes they would stare off in the distance and I longed for them to return. So, I stretch you — daily. I weave the needles of my to-do lists in and out of you like a skilled seamstress. I hope it works in our favor.

Remember when you couldn’t grasp the concept of negative numbers, but you easily understood neurological transmitters? I was so frustrated with you and I thought you were defective. I didn’t know that I was gifted. I simply felt weird and out of place.

Photo by Ololade Masud on Pexels.com

Remember when I prayed that God would make you normal so I would stop being teased? It took awhile, but I learned to embrace the way you work. You compute situations in futuristic tense yet turn off before you overload. How exceptional is that?

Remember the first time I envisioned choreography while my eyes were open? Wow, did it take my breath away. It felt like I was teleported into a creative universe. You tried to process so many pictures at once, so much movement in a moment. I pray we never forget it. I pray we never forget anything.

Store my memories well.
Hide them safely.
Let them roam free if the dark times are coming.

I don’t speak the worst over myself, but neither did my loved ones. It just happened. So, when no one is watching or while everyone sleeps, tiptoe to the file cabinets and pull out whatever tickles your fancy. You hold great things in the folds of my humanity and I have experienced incredible moments.

Here’s to you remembering them all. Here’s to recalling names, places, and things. Here’s to laughing at old jokes and dancing to my favorite tunes. We’ve got a ways to go, I believe, so I’m asking God to keep you safe and sound. In the meantime, thanks for all you do. Thank you for processing critical thoughts. Thank you for digesting everything I slam on your plate. The various mental tabs that open throughout the day. The big ideas. The little details. You do great things because a great God created you. For that, I will always believe that He will take care of us.

Sincerely,

CJW

Wednesday Wind Down: Here We Go

Well, Sweetheart, it’s November. Whew!

If you’ve been with me for a couple of years, you already know what time it is — it’s #bloglikecrazy with See Jane Write. For 30 days in November, I’m going to share special content with you and I’m looking forward to it. This annual writing challenge is hosted by Javacia Harris Bowser, my official empowerment pusher and writers from everywhere join the opportunity to post on their blogs for 30 consecutive days or participate in NaNoWriMo by writing a novel by the end of November.

This is my fifth time in the boxing ring with my fall nemesis. That’s how I see #bloglikecrazy — a stealthy feminine boxer customized to make me better. She mean-mugs me and taps her pink gloves together in October so I remember she’s been training for me. Our matches began with me just keeping my head above the literary waves to developing themes to cracking open some of the most intimate areas of my soul. After all, bloggers write to share experiences. We write to connect with others who may be part of our tribe. I’m no different.

The first year I tried to beat my sparring partner, I lost. I underestimated her. I thought — I can do this. I write all the time. Pshht. Such hubris. I crawled past the 30-day finish line well past November.

In 2017, I stretched my skills and jumped back into the ring. This time, my goal was to expound the use of one word every day.

In 2018, my theme was 30 Days of Good. That year hosted such stress that I had to highlight 30 good things that happened to me to stay sane — from attending a dinner party in my sweaty performance clothes to volunteering at UTR to being taught by my colleague in massage therapy school.

In 2019, the theme was Peep My Prayers. I gave an inside look into 30 of my personal prayers to encourage you to peel back the layers and communicate authentically with God.

This year, I’m sharing Open Letters in hopes that you are inspired to speak authentically to yourself and to each other. We’re living in a world where there’s so much fire and ice — both being deadly. I find it urgent that we not only speak freely when it comes to opinionated political stances, but when it’s time to address pain, concern, and love.

Once again, God is stretching my comfort zone by going deeper and I hope it helps. Once again, I’m slightly nervous but excited about where this path will lead. Once again, I’m looking forward to kicking it with you in November.

See you Sunday, Sweethearts. Let’s do this together.

#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #8

Prayer: “God, this is the perfect night to walk with someone, but I’m cool with just walking with You. Thank you for being my Friend.”

I remember this one. The sky had transitioned to beautiful dusk and I was drinking it in during a light stroll. Scenes of a good rom-com flashed across my eyes. I could see it all. The hand-holding, the jokes, the unveiling of truths… it was a perfect night for all of that goodness. I could hide it from others, but from God, I just didn’t want to. Not at that moment. I wanted to be honest with my feelings — my romantic pining to be exact. So, instead of the “I wish…” rabbit hole, I decided to let it out. Once I did, I grew overwhelmingly grateful for the friendship of God.

I didn’t feel like I was walking alone.

I wasn’t lonely.

I was sincerely appreciative to not feel alone. I enjoy my own company well now, but that’s because I’ve sat in the ashes of loneliness before. It’s a dark place. Although walking with a loving man would have been the perfect treat, the truth was that I felt like Love was all around me. I smiled to myself. I admired nature. I kept praying aloud. I shared what I wanted and what I didn’t want in a partner. I shared how much I loved His Presence. I told God that walking with Him was just as beautiful as the sky He painted. I felt in love with being alive in Him. Everything else would come in due season.

If you’re in a place of transition, pray a real prayer. Acknowledge where you are and verbalize it to your Creator. I pray God’s Love covers your shoulders along your walk, too.

Peace & Thanks for listening, Sweetheart!

#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #7

Prayer: “Why can’t people just do right?! Why is that is so hard?! Lord, get your children because I can’t deal!”

Don’t act like you have never walked away shaking your head at a few people. It may be the workplace, but some folks just make you wish for a Mortal Kombat standoff (Scorpion, anyone?). Countless occasions have yielded moments like these in my life and it wasn’t easy to walk away. I mean, c’mon, when you factually know that a person is lying to you or doesn’t host your best interest or is tarnishing your character, that’s enough to make anyone twitch. At times, only God stood between me and the other soul, and s/he will never know it. I’m not a fighter, but Sweethearts, I’ve definitely been tested as such. The unfortunate part is that I’ve thought of so many spiteful things to say and do in retaliation. Enough to stay on the altar until the day I die.

While it would be wonderful to experience camaraderie with everyone, that’s just unrealistic and the Lord and I have had plenty of conversations about His creations. Can I love you without liking you? Yes! Love is a commandment; Like is not. Even the Bible tells you the real deal.

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” – Romans 12:18

See? Do all. you. can.

So, if you’ve ever been in the situation of wanting to dropkick someone, you’re not alone. Just don’t do it. It’s not worth it. The best revenge is the view from your mountaintop. But until you get there, get those prayers out of your system… every time. Make it a habit so you can stay free.

Peace & Thanks for listening! Stay prayed up!

#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #6

Prayer: “I don’t understand this one. You’re going to have to help me with this. I don’t get it. Why did they have to die? Why couldn’t you just take someone else? This just doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it.”

I admit that I have thought about the following: Why did she have to die in a car accident? Why did he have to die with Alzheimer’s? Why did she die before seeing me graduate? 

I know it’s not acceptable Christian vernacular, but I’m guilty of asking God why he didn’t take someone else’s life in place of the ones I love. I thought of the rapists, the murderers, the pedophiles… the ones deemed by society as below hell’s respect of persons, then I thought of how sweet my persons were. How undeserving their deaths were in my eyes. I couldn’t wrap my rationale around the reality of my persons no longer being a phone call away and to be brutally honest, I was pissed. Why would a good God take away pieces of my heart? Some deaths were easier to handle while others pushed me off my axis. What was I supposed to do with that… all of that anger and confusion?

I questioned my faith. I questioned the validity of the Bible. I didn’t want to hear that they were “in a better place.” I wanted them here. With me. No exceptions. No soothing back rubs. No funeral flowers. Just here… where I could touch them. Talk to them. Love on them again. At those times, the only prayer I could release were the words above and I had to trust that God wanted to hear my pain just as much as my praise.

During those seasons, I clung to this Bible verse with every fiber of my weakness. It was the only thing that made sense because it described how I felt.

Psalm 34:18
Courtesy of YouVersion – The Bible App

The most difficult thing to do was to crawl my way back to Love after feeling scorned by it. I had to come to terms with the truth that I didn’t know the prayers of my persons. It could have been one of relief or swiftness. I don’t know. I just knew I was hurting and my prayer lines were on life support. Eventually, I made my way from a crawl to a kneel like a fighter recovering from a blow. Kneeling transitioned to standing. Breathing slowly. Then came walking forward. No one could rush me or assign a path to my process. Only God could resuscitate me back to life and I had to grow to the point to let Him do it.

I love you all and pray that you feel confident to pray a real prayer of grief whenever you’re ready. He can handle it. Trust me. I’m a living, breathing, walking witness of that. You are still more than a conqueror. You are still strong. It’s just time for you to be honest about the rest.

Peace & Thanks for listening!

#bloglikecrazy: Peep My Prayers #2

Prayer: “Lord, I just want to be free… and not just free for a moment. I want to be free for a lifetime.”

I was sick of a cycle that I didn’t sign up for. In one hand, I held receipts to my anger, fears, and insecurities. In the other one, I held receipts that were shoved into my hands. I didn’t ask to be mistreated or molested, but there I was — holding shredded remnants of pain and wondering when the rollercoaster would stop.

I never wanted to repeat the rides of my anger, fears, insecurities but the horror happened anyway. Altar calls didn’t seem to do it and Christian music couldn’t end the free-bound-free dysfunction I experienced. I thought something was wrong with me. I was tired of being enslaved over and over again by the same chains. Chains I thought had been eradicated but seemed to resurrect themselves without my permission. I couldn’t understand how it could happen so quickly. It wasn’t for lack of desire and fight. It wasn’t for lack of prayer and effort. Finally, in desperation, the words exhaled from my soul during a nighttime walk. Freedom kept ringing in my ears and I looked up at the starry sky for a hint of hope.

Did I instantly feel free? No.
Did I feel finally heard? Absolutely.

There was something about that night I will never forget. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired met the opportunity to speak from the depths of my darkness. I had finally reached that point where I was ready to release it all instead of a few shreds. The problem? Those chains were uncomfortable but familiar. I had the desire to be free, but I was struggling within my own strength. Exhaustion and frustration were the end result. I realized that it would always be a losing battle as long as I fought without the desire to surrender to God first.

So, I did. Then, the healing journey again.

I pray that you’re able to do the same, Sweetheart. Here’s one of my favorite verses to start the conversation. I leaned on this one and it still gives me great peace when I need it. I love you all and pray those real prayers. Peace & Thanks for listening!

He will listen to the prayers of the destitute.
He will not reject their pleas. – Psalm 102:17

Wednesday Wind Down: Four-peat

*sips hot tea and stretches*

Good Evening, Sweethearts!

We’re on the cusp of November, so you know what that means… #bloglikecrazy is here! She’s officially staring me down and I see her in all of her literary glory. Her challenging physique awaits me to step into the ring. This is my four-time sparring partner and she always transforms me a better version of myself at the end of our 30-day bout.

If you’re new to my community, #bloglikecrazy is an annual writing challenge hosted by Javacia Harris Bowser, founder of See Jane Write Birmingham and my official empowerment pusher. Each year, writers from everywhere join the opportunity to post on their blogs for 30 consecutive days or participate in NaNoWriMo by writing a novel in by the end of November.

So, why am I squaring up to #bloglikecrazy? Because I decided to share a deeper level of transparency this time around. Last year, I shared 30 Days of Good. This year, I’m allowing a peek into my most intimate relationship — my prayer life with God. I’m warning you now, Sweetheart. As with all other posts on this blog, it’s real communication. No sugar-coating. Raw snippets from written and verbal prayers I’ve expressed in both happy and horrid times. My hope is that by unveiling these lines, someone will be compelled to be authentic with God as well. To give Him every part of you and be confident that He can handle anything and everything.

Are you ready? I am. *stretches one more time*

See you Friday, November 1. 🙂

Peace & Thanks for listening!

Wednesday Wind Down: Thank You

Good Evening, Sweethearts! How are you? I hope you’re doing well. Here’s a thought for your week just in case.

I find myself saying “thank you” for the oddest things. Just this week, the wind wrapped Himself around me and it felt like a supernatural hug. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness, so I looked up and smiled at the sky. To someone else, that doesn’t make sense, but to me, it’s how I choose to live.

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. – Psalm 28:7

It’s easy to thank God for the good stuff. The stuff that feels warm and fuzzy. The good stuff that you don’t see coming. It takes skill to be grateful for the stuff that feels awful and unexpectedly hits you. You read correctly — I said skill, as in something you learn and hone over time and experience. Now, I don’t believe that God plays chess with our lives; some things we bring upon ourselves. It’s called volition and it can be a help and a hindrance.

The ability to make decisions is what saved my mouth from going into overdrive while I was paying a bill over the phone. I could have invoked the Earth-given privilege of speaking my mind, but in actuality, it would have been speaking my emotions. It would have been sharp, egregious, and unapologetic. In the mix of the moment, I chose to be grateful instead of spiteful. I thanked God that the payment amount was at the level I needed it to be and that my account was current. I also thanked the Lord that I had the money in which to pay it this month. It was a split-second decision (with a dash of reluctant maturity) to be grateful for the Truth and not distracted by the disrespect. It made me think of how quickly things can escalate at the drop of a word and how gratefulness saved the future chain of events.

person holding cactus on a stick
Photo by Designecologist on Pexels.com

This week, my prayer is that you find gratefulness in the little things that are truly big things to someone else. I pray that you say thank you to all of the “sandpaper” people in your office because they are making you smoother for your future. Find the moment. Dig for it if you have to. You don’t have to like it, but you may need to hold that “thank you item” in your hand to keep from crying or doing something destructive.

Have an awesome week out there. No stoking the fires, OK?

Peace & Thanks for listening!

Wednesday Wind Down: Try Again

Good Evening, Sweethearts. Here’s a shortstop for your week.

What do you do when you’ve messed up? How do you handle it? Guilt and shame usually wait at the door of any misstep. It’s easy to think that you’re invincible and if others think the same, the fall can feel fatal. So, what do you do next? Where do you start?

One of the first things I do is remember to whom I belong. I remember that God sees me as His daughter because I allowed His Love to envelop my heart. Here are some Bible verses that can help you get back on your feet. They have helped me over the years and have never lost their flavors.

Psalm 34:18

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Wherever you are, I pray that you remember that you are loved and that you are never too broken to be valuable. You are worth another try. So, give yourself a dose of God’s grace and smile at your fresh start.

Peace & Thanks for listening.

Bible Verse photos courtesy of my Free YouVersion Bible App

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