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Wednesday Wind Down: ED

Hello, Sweethearts! I know it’s Thursday, but this one took some simmering… and you may be wondering where I’m going with those two letters. I’m going exactly where you think I am.

In the world of social sciences, there’s a term called emotional dishonesty. Various definitions exist for it, but in essence, it is when someone does not own up to their feelings or needs, yet s/he holds the other person accountable for the offense. This can manifest itself as passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive behavior.

When I taught adult education communication courses, we would always engage in authentic and lively dialogue about relationships (platonic, professional, romantic, familial, and social). Every quarter, someone would attribute a lack of intimacy to dysfunctional communication. Every quarter, someone would tell me how lack of trust was the undercurrent in their relationship deterioration. After my first year of teaching, I learned to carve out two days in my lesson plan to discuss the conflict chapter because it always birthed the fruition of self-discovery among my students.  The chapter also landed in the middle of the textbook, so by that point in the course, they usually displayed sharpened self-awareness and reframing skills. They were not only able to professionally assess and verbalize the conflict but also express ownership of its escalation which was often via emotional dishonesty. You can bet that made me one happy educator. 🙂

two man and two woman standing on green grass field
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To listen to a man say “I see it now. I’m not helping the situation.” To hear a woman say “Yeah, I don’t really listen to my kids. I need to do that more.” That was what kept the blood flowing in my teaching career. That is what produced life within those four walls and fortified adults to engage in healthy relationships of all kinds.

Speaking of blood flow… let’s talk about that ED.

When a man experiences erectile dysfunction, it can be emotionally crippling. He may not be able to communicate how emasculated he feels and his behavior can be misunderstood and misdirected toward his partner. Multiple factors can cause ED and one of them is decreased blood flow.

How interesting it is that a lack of life in one area can be the cause of death in another? If blood is not allowed to flow and recycle through our bodies, we experience death. Then again, there are two types of death… two organs that are vital comrades in the cessation of life – the brain and the heart. I believe the effects of dysfunctional communication resemble the intimacy breakdown that can occur from ED. Emotional Dishonesty can lead to Emotional Dysfunction. One deters the physical production of life while the other deters the flow of spiritual exchange. In both instances, there’s a broken piece – trust.

person holding pen
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And let’s be real… What good is a relationship without trust? How can a relationship survive without the trust that all valves are open… that the flow is free and clear? After all, there are 4 valves in your heart – two for incoming blood and two for outgoing blood, so obviously God knew that circulation and regeneration were vital in keeping you alive in both your head and in your heart. Why don’t we give it a try in the spiritual realm as well? Why not gift that freedom to each other and to ourselves? Be emotionally honest with yourself and with those you love. When you don’t, it hurts yourself because you’re blocking healthy intrapersonal communication, and it hurts the other person because it creates a disconnect from the intimacy you desire from her/him. As I mentioned to some friends this year – I’m in the business of having real conversations with real people that want real relationships. Sweetheart, can you say the same thing?

Disclaimer:
This doesn’t mean that you need to bleed your heart 24/7 to everyone you meet. As in physiology, that could leave you spiritually drained 
and unable to function effectively.

Ask God to balance this spiritual flow as you learn to communicate truthfully in HIs Love from one person to another. It can be done; I promise. I have witnessed and experienced it.  You may have to be gentle or set some ground rules, but allow truthful communication to flow between your lips. Cherish those in your circle who provide opportunities for that to happen. No matter how messy or how awkward it may be, it is worth the trust structure. Letting communication flow between two hearts creates freedom amidst two people… and that’s the pinnacle of God’s Love toward us and Christ’s sacrifice for us. Freedom in mind, body, and spirit. The kind that can only come from the Prince of Peace and the Author of Love.

For more information about emotional dishonesty, check out this article. It’s one of my favorite classroom references.

Peace & Thanks for listening. Have an awesome week and I love you all!

 

 

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#bloglikecrazy: Day 28 – Speak Up

The Good

#28 – I performed spoken word pieces at the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute.

There’s something you should know. I don’t like to share all of my words. Yes, I’m a writer and public speaker, but sometimes I hoard my words like a squirrel stores acorns. I know why I do it too. It’s because I don’t want to be disregarded and misunderstood. That residual flaw still lives in my bones when it comes to sharing spoken word pieces. Well, this year, I decided to begin the extraction process by accepting the opportunity to perform at the Birmingham Civil Rights Institute for a social justice event. One piece commemorated the Children’s March of 1963 and the other addressed the water contamination in Flint, Michigan. My friend was supportive and the best part was having my mother there to witness my nervousness and my courage when she had the same emotions living through the Movement. I won’t lie to you, it was difficult to stand there and perform as museum attendants waited for something profound to fall from my lips… but I did it and I walked out of the BCRI 7-feet taller knowing that I was standing on the backs of those of which I spoke. Many people of different colors said how much they enjoyed my craft and who wouldn’t feel the Good after that?

The Lesson

You have a voice and it’s worth hearing. You don’t have to scream and shout if you don’t want to, and to the same degree, you don’t have to be quiet either. Just use your voice in the capacity that God gave you. That’s how the world gets better, feels different, and becomes an enriching place to live. Your voice may be through your pen, your tablet, your sewing, your outreach, your teaching, your janitorial work… speak up so everyone can have the opportunity to better than they were before they joined your company. In light of everything going on locally and nationally, it would behoove us to speak up in as many ways as possible and not judge the sound of each other’s voices. I learned that my voice is light, but it is strong. It is assertive and it is compassionate. However I choose to use it, I have nothing to be ashamed of and neither do you.

Peace & Thanks for listening. Don’t worry… I’ll share them online in February 2019. See you then.

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Wednesday Wind Down: Reply All

Raise your hand if you have given a canned response to a question. Yeah, me too.

The easiest thing to do is give an auto-reply and keep walking, i.e. “yeah, I’m fine,” and “yeah, it’s all good.” Well, when I start getting the same questions over a certain period of time, I spiritually sit up. I interpret it as God testing my answers.

So, recently I’ve been asked the same question regarding my career plans and usually, my answer is pretty status quo. “Whatever the Lord says.” Since the same question keeps coming up in  different circles, it makes me think that the Lord wants me to check my responses. It’s true – my future is in the Lord’s hands; however, perhaps the responses should be more intentional instead of sounding like a robot. The same words can be said with life instead of sounding like a default reply. Also, I have to get comfortable with the plan God has set before me and get used to hearing it out loud. *shiver* Regardless of the situation, there’s a season for bulldozing through the muck and giving a ready-made answer to save your face from crumbling in tears; then, there’s a season to speak in faith of what God has shown you, even if your voice shakes.

Is God testing your responses? Are you set to complain by default? Do you deliver the  same response no matter how you feel? Are you being so holy that you don’t sound human? Do you giving canned responses to everyone you meet?

Sometimes a “reply-all” isn’t the best approach and at other times, it’s the oxygen keeping you alive. Ask the Lord which one should come out of your spirit when questions arise. Trust me – He’ll let you know.

Peace, Thanks for listening, and wind down safely, Sweetheart.

#bloglikecrazy: Day 5 – Turned, not Stirred

How many times have you meant what you said, but didn’t mean to say it aloud?

This produces a rather sticky situation. On one hand, you have the badge of pride in saying how you feel in real time, which cuts down on the “he said/she said” debacle. On the other hand, this brash flow of realism causes a domino effect of emotions that cannot be reversed.

Let’s look at it through the eyes of weather. You can redirect a brewing storm of heated sensitivity or stir confusion into a conversation and create a wildfire.

Your words have the power to make peaceful waves or fatal tsunamis. It’s all in your mouth.

Sometimes the frustration we feel can add so much mud that both perspectives get infected and neither person can see clearly. The next thing you know, what started off as a simple misunderstanding evolves into an earthquake where intentions are swallowed up and forgotten.

But at some point, the Truth should float to the top, right? After the debris has damaged the walls of love you’ve built, shouldn’t Truth have a place to sit? That kind word that’s been whispering in the background of your heart deserves a seat at the table. She has something to say. She’s taken note of the ingredients used in the situation and has decided that a turn is due in the recipe of reconciliation, not a stir.

So, let her speak instead of your anger or pride. Allow a change in your normal and provide the room for her to turn the conversation toward the Truth. Besides, most situations taste better turned, not stirred.

Peace & Thanks for listening!

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