Prayer: “God, please. Please let my marriage work. I don’t want a divorce. Just tell me what I did wrong. What do I need to do? What am I supposed to learn from this? Am I missing something? Did I make a mistake? If I did, just tell me. I can handle it.”
Tears on my pillow were the only way I could encapsulate my unspoken pain during that season of my marriage. I was at a loss. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t experiencing the Christian matrimonial dream. After all, I followed the regimen. I adhered to the plan. You know… the “1, 2, 3, voilà!” plan. When you’re a young Christian girl, you’re told to keep your legs closed, stay involved in church activities, and follow God’s direction for your life, then bam — you get a husband and 2-3 kids. It’s an absurd equation, but I believed it. I thought if I did everything by the Book, I would receive a beautiful marriage as a reward. On numerous occasions, I told people that I was only marrying one time. No exceptions and no divorce for me. Ever. And I desperately prayed for that confession to be true, but unfortunately, that prayer did not materialize.
My late former husband was not the focus of my prayer and is not the focus of this post. My anguish, despair, and confusion… that’s what was folded within the words of that prayer. My mind was in a whirlwind because I couldn’t understand what went wrong in the equation. What didn’t I do correctly? Have you ever been there?
If those questions relate to marriage in your life, let me help you with something that unfolded in the answer to that prayer up there. God doesn’t reward “good” Christian men and women with marriage and punish His other sons and daughters with singlehood, widowhood, or divorce. That’s crazy. It would insinuate that your only purpose in life is to be married and there are Biblical examples that prove otherwise. Even now as I type, I shake my head at the ludicrosity. Marriage is not a prize. It is a calling… an assignment… that you are better together and that your purposes on this Earth are perpetually intertwined. My late former husband and best friend was an exceptional man and regardless of the outcome of our marriage, our purposes were definitely designed to cross.
Right now, wherever you are, pray that real prayer. Don’t be afraid of your vulnerable humanity. I am proof that He listens and He will heal. And it’s OK to say “I don’t know where this leads… but I trust you.”
Peace & Thanks for listening, Sweetheart.
November 27, 2019 at 9:17 AM
I’m so grateful for your transparency and honesty. Thank you for this post.
November 27, 2019 at 10:06 AM
And keep going, we must. I love you. Have a wonderful thanksgiving and know that I’m so grateful for you. XO
December 14, 2019 at 10:03 PM
I needed to read this and feel God. Thank you for your transparency.